Feeling undefined...

Well, for those of you who do read my blog, and im sure i don't have many followers. LOL.

I haven't blogged in exactly 15 days, which is odd for me since i always have things on my mind. This is partly because if i had blogged, i would have probably caused some concern, and had people asking whether i was sane or should be put on suicide watch.

The truth is, and i know i have harped on about it a bit, i am deeply saddened by a loss in my family. My grandma passed away monday the 3rd of May, she was one of my best friends. I really don't know who to turn to here, i feel like i am bothering my friends by mentioning it. I feel like i am just bringing them down. I feel like i am constantly saying sorry for thinking about it, because deep down i feel like i should have noticed something was wrong the day before. I know that i am still alive but i can't help but dwell on how much i need her here with me.

Theres an empty space there now, that other thoughts just can't seem to fill. I can't help but think about how she was alone when it happened, and if i had gotten up when mum had called me, i could have done something to help.

Life is passing around me and i feel like its a blur, things are happening, people are laughing, but its all just a temporary distraction, from that sinking feeling i feel everyday and i don't know how to stop it. And with everyday that passes i care about things less and less.

A little while ago i blogged about how grateful i was for my friends, because alot of people have not stuck around. I feel like this has happened again, but i am entirely grateful to my best friends who came and supported me on friday, you all have my heart, i needed you and you were there.
To me that is Beautiful...

I know i have to be strong for my mum and my sister, but sometimes i wonder if people actually think aboout the one they assume will always be strong.

I dont know why i stayed away from blogging, for it has been the greatest relief so far.

thanks for listening, hopefully my blogs will be happier in future.